It’s been a little while since I last posted, not because there haven’t been any issues, but because the WordPress app decided to stop working when I updated to iOS 7 – it still isn’t functioning as it should but for now, at least, I can actually open the app and add this new post!
I collected JC from school Friday (over a week ago now!) and before we left the playground I realised that he hadn’t got his PE kit with him so I could wash it over the weekend. He was refusing to go back and get it (and I couldn’t get to his classroom with a pushchair and JC wouldn’t stay with his brother in the playground without me). He had no choice but to get it. I hadn’t seen it for the previous two weekends due to his forgetting so it was long overdue a clean!
PE kit in hand we started the walk home. As we were walking down the street (not far from the school) I realised that JC also hadn’t remembered his homework book. Again, we had to go back for it and again JC refused. It was due back on Tuesday and I knew the chances of us getting it done if we didn’t collect it until Monday were slim, at best. As I looked at JC I could see the tears being fought away. He was trying so hard to hold it in.
When we got to the playground JC’s teacher was still there awaiting one parent who hadn’t arrived to collect their daughter. JC didn’t want to get his homework but his teacher went with him.
When it was time to head home JC was not happy at all. He could no longer hold back the tears and he was angry. He stomped away. “Leave me alone”. He repeated this several times, getting further and further away from me and C who was, by now, crying in his pushchair.
I told JC to wait and eventually he got the message. As we walked together I asked him if his teacher had said anything to him. He told me just to leave him alone. He obviously wasn’t going to talk. Awkward silence remained until we got home.
C had fallen asleep in his pushchair by the time we got inside. JC decided that now was a good time to let some of his feelings out.
He can’t help the way he is. It’s all my fault he thinks negatively about himself and it’s my fault I make him do all this stuff. That’s it. That’s all I got. I felt awful. What if he’s right. What if he doesn’t have Asperger’s and the truth is that I’m a terrible mum who has emotionally destroyed her oldest son?
I don’t have a clue what I am doing and admit I made many mistakes and I wasn’t particularly maternal. I didn’t discipline as heavily as others thought I should but I always thought that I was doing OK considering.
We didn’t socialise with other kids and I was secretly happy that he still needed me to feed and dress him before school at the age of 5. We’d had no intention of having any more children and so JC relying on me so much was welcomed by me. Maybe I should have pushed his independence much harder. Perhaps I should have been strict with him.
I didn’t because, all through JC’s short life, I have been trying to ensure that he likes me – so as to not feel about me the way I feel about my own parents. I wanted to teach him that I would never judge him and that I only want him to be happy. I wanted him to be able to come to me with problems – something I could never do with my parents. I was hoping to guarantee that the dysfunctional family element stopped with me. I wanted, unlike me, for him to be comfortable with himself, be popular, to be mentally and emotionally free. It looks like I could have severely screwed up on all counts.
EDIT – it has since been revealed by JC that his teacher on Friday when collecting his homework had insinuated that JC had purposely left his homework behind so that he wouldn’t have to do it! It would appear that my insistence on JC collecting his PE kit and homework, followed by his teachers accusation was too much.